Triple-A nickname narrowed to 8 horrible choices

Team officials from Lehigh Valley’s new Class-AAA affiliate have announced the eight finalists for the new team nickname. [Link]

Fans can now vote for one of the following eight choices. This is no joke: the Crushers, the Gobblers, the Iron Pigs, the Keystones, the Phantastics, the Phillies, the Vulcans and the Woodchucks. You can cast your ballot online at lehighvalleyaaabaseball.com.

A few thoughts. The Phantastics could become the first team to wear short shorts and roller skates. Vulcans is an obvious choice. Nothing symbolizes blue-collar Allentown like a tribute to Star Trek’s emotionless humanoid species. Phillies? Genius. Crushers? Generic. Keystones? Boring logo. Gobblers and Iron Pigs seamlessly blend the region’s historic smelting trade with Thanksgiving dinner.

That takes us to the worst possible choice ... Woodchucks. Around these parts, they're either "groundhogs" or "grundsaus," which is what they're called in Pennsylvania Dutch. Which out-of-town marketing firm came up with that beauty?

Comments

[ae]

I'm embarrassed on behalf of my fellow Allentonians...

[Greg]

And who narrows a list down to eight choices? I can barely process three to four options...

[J. Weitzel]

Of the eight choices, my vote is for Vulcans. Here's why. It has been brought to my attention that Vulcan, in Roman mythology, is the god of fire and volcanoes, and the manufacturer of art, arms, iron, and armor for gods and heroes. So there's some vague connection to the Lehigh Valley. And ancient Roman mythology apparently.

[martin]

vague connection??? There are too many V's, and the locals pronounce V's as W's.

[That Dude]

of the eight choices her eis my one word thought...GAY

[ae]

I vote for Keystones...I know it's colorless, but at least it's not embarrassing, and it echoes the short-lived Philadelphia Keystones of the 1884 Union Association, a team that featured Jack Clements, the great power-hitting catcher of the 1890s Phillies.

[Jon]

They all suck, but then so does the name Phillies in my opinion. I am a fan regardless.

[kdon]

I have to with Keystones also. It's kind of like the Nationals...it's boring, but it's traditional. Much better than something "exciting" and trendy. I'd go with Vulcans for the coolness of invoking Roman myths, but association (even unintentional) with Star Trek should be avoided at all costs.

Or, to off of Carville's line we could call them the "Alabamans."

[RickSchuBlues]

How about the Unemployed Coal Miners? Nah, too unwieldy.

Or - forget Allentown. They can be the Little Stars of Bethlehem.

[gr]

for those of you who don't think that allentown will embrace one of the terrible names, please remember that the namesake high school -- William Allen HS -- is home to the Canaries.

[Will]

I'm so ashamed.

Here's my suggestion: The Billy Joels

[Will]

what's with the explanation of Woodchuck? "A woodchuck is a groundhog" Why not call them the groundhogs then? Is Woodchuck more dignified?

My next suggestion: a tribute to the greatest hot dogs in the allentown area: The Yoccos

[Sam Mc]

I like just plain-old Miners.

[clout]

In the 1950s Allentown had a team in the Class B Interstate League. Does anyone know what the team nickname was then?

[ae]

gr - let's not forget about the other namby-pamby Lehigh Valley high school team - the Whitehall Zephyrs (zephyr, n. Something that is airy, insubstantial, or passing.)

then there's Reading's old minor league team, the Chicks. they were affiliated with either the Red Sox or the Indians, I think.

clout, wikipedia lists Allentown's old Eastern League teams as the Cardinals (obviously out), Red Sox (also obviously out), and Chiefs.

[ae]

little bit of research indicates that the Reading Chicks were actually unaffiliated...it was between their stints with the Red Sox in the 1930s and Dodgers/Indians in the late 1940s and 1950s.

[Drama Queen]

I'd vote Vulcans or Keystones. Gobblers opens the team up to far too many gay jokes.

[martin]

Allentown had a team called the Dukes that beat the Yankees and Babe Ruth in 1923. I will vote, but still undecided. I do like Yoccos and Little Stars of Bethlehem.

[Bob D]

WOW!

Did Ed wade create this list?

I can't vote - its just plain wrong for me to do so.

[Bob D]

Maybe the Crushers? I don't know

[Steve Jeltz]

That's just an atrocious list. Actually my favorite option is just calling them the Phillies. I'm kind of a traditionalist; I liked when the minor league teams just shared the same name as their major league affiliate. Plus, living near Clearwater, I know everyone here thinks changing the name to Threshers a few years ago was a pretty lame move. Alot of people still refer to them as the "Clearwater Phillies."

Anyway, of the remaining options I'd probably go with Keystones because that seems the least embarrassing choice. I assume if they go with Phantastics the players will be required to perform show tunes during the 7th inning stretch.

[kdon]

Yeah, what about Miners? That seems like a nice choice. It has a good sound to it and represents the area. If they go with the Phantastics, I will officially only follow the progress of players at AA or lower.

If they go with PHantastics or Gobblers, you know some rookie is going to have to go out to bat with "I'm Comming Out" playing.

To get back to the Phillies, did anyone see djafi's piece on The Good Phight? I really liked the team he put together and it doesn't involve any masive trades or free agent signings. According to MLB.com, the PHillies have no chance to trade Burrell without eating around 5-7M in salary. Effectively, that would mean that they were paying 14M for players no longer on the team.

It seems that if the Phillies can't trade Burrell, they would trade Rowand, which I think is the smart move. This allows Vic to play center and you would also get more in return for Rowand than Burrell because of the salary difference.

If you can trade Rowand for a 3B or a SP, that means you only have to add one big free agent.

[Tom W]

Those are all pretty bad. Phillies is the only one that isn't immediately laughable, but three teams named 'Phillies' in a 50 mile radius?

[Will]

good points kdon, I think we could get more for Rowand or Conine than for Burrell. I think you're a little ambitious with the SP or (quality) 3B, but I'd settle for a good RP and mid to high level prospect. Let's remember how bad of a year Rowand had this year. The White Sox may be desperate enough to give us that 3B for him though.

[zeke]

Wow, this list of potential names is truly astounding. Did these people ask their kids for ideas?

Personally, I like the Iron Pigs . . . think of the marketing potential among sportswear aficionados.

I propose a write-in candidate: the Allentown Anchovies.

[Lake Fred]

Let's go down the names;

Iron Pigs - just a horrible stupid name.

Gobblers - I used to work with a guy who'd brag about girls that would gobble him. No way this name sticks.

Phillies - Too many clubs in area with that name. Allentown is not Philly.

Phantastics - Sounds gay to me. Would the team wear leotard uniforms with a cup?

Keystones - Keystones does not evoke an active image. Who's afraid of a keystone? Not me. Name stinks.

Woodchucks - I used to play a drinking game that involved reciting tongue twisters. One went something like this: "What would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?" Woodchuck sounds like a setup line ending word in a dirty limerick.

That leaves us with Vulcans and Crushers. I'm not excited about either of these, but they are not as offensive as the other names.

Vulcans - The drawback is the image of Mr. Spock.

Crushers - This name has no local link. It does evoke an active image.

Be default, since I have to vote for one of these eight turd names, I vote for Crushers.

[ae]

http://sports.espn.go.com/mlb/news/story?id=2630637

"Starting next season, Yankees, Red Sox, Tigers, Phillies, Cubs and Dodgers fans will be able to have cremation urns or their caskets emblazoned with their team colors and insignia."

not sure if I should be glad or not that the Phils are included.

[Lake Fred]

In the above comment, I meant "By default..."

I went to the website and voted. The winning name (as predicted here by Lake Nostradamus) will be the Crushers. Two reasons for this conclusion:

1. I voted for the name.

2. The name is the first name listed in the descriptions and listed first again in the ballot area.

Their explanation of the name had something to do with rock crushers and the local industries that do that sort of things. I guess the team logo will be a cement mixer truck.

[kdon]

Wow, whoever came up with those names also must have written the press release. From the website:

Premium giveaways, fireworks, nationally renowned acts, hysterical between inning entertainment plus hungry players knocking on the door-step of realizing their big league dreams all in the country's top modern ballpark will make this a summer destination for generation after generation in the Lehigh Valley.

Maybe the team should be called door-step knockers (though it seems tough on the knuckles)! Or the mixed metaphors!

[kdon]

Or the "Run-on Sentences That Are Both So Ridiculously Hyperbolic And Confused That They Look Like The Work Of A Kindergartener's

[Lake Fred]

Responding to ae's post, I think I'll call my wife and have her preorder the Phillies logo casket for me, so I can go out in style. While I'm at it, I'll tell her that I want to be buried with my Phillies cap, not on my head, but rather on my chest, held in one of my cold dead hands.

I know my wife will outlive me, as she's not a fan; and these Phillies a surely killing me more every season.

[Lake Fred]

Another thought on the baseball team caskets. The casket makers know that baseball's real core fans are older guys who are primed to kick off soon. That's why they chose old non-expansion teams.

[RickSchuBlues]

The proposed nicknames are bad, but perhaps we should savor the fact that teams aren't being given corporate sponsored names yet, like the stadiums are. In 25 years, we're probably looking at the Allentown GlaxoSmithKlines, much less the Philadelphia Pecos and the Seattle Starbucks.

And the casket thing...that's just too easy to make a joke about the Phillies logos on coffins. "Here lies 78 years of false hope".

[J. Weitzel]

That was terrific, RSB.

[Will]

Wow, the casket thing is terrible. It shines of "Sports were way too important to me in life."

[Drama Queen]

Sad thing is, I'm pathetic enough to have my remains put into the Phillies urn. I already decided previously to this that I wanted my ashes spread on a baseball field...this just goes along with the theme.

[Casey]

I wish we could post images. I'd like to start a contest for the would be Allentown Phantastics logo.

I hate names like "Crushers." What does a baseball team crush, peanut shells in the dugout? Sunflower seeds with their teeth of steel?

[Jon]

I am not excited with any of the names. They should stick to the plain old Phillies. It's not a glamorous name, but then again it's not a ridiculous name like the Goblers. When names are this bad, stick with the original.

[Bob D]

LOL over the casket posts. I want a Mets casket so I can strap it to the roof rack of my car when I travel.
Will the income the Phils recieve for killing off their fans and burying htem in a coffin with thier logo goto the new 3rd Baseman's salary?

[Drama Queen]

Bob D- why would the want to get a new 3rd baseman, as the current one is helping kill the current fanbase?

[seth.]

i think the Keystones is the only decent choice. everyone should be named after cheap beer...

[Drama Queen]

seth- you forgot to mention "no bitter beer face!"

[Lake Fred]

Lots of laughs in this thread.

[Alby]

I too go for Keystones. "Who's afraid of a keystone?" seems like the wrong question. Who's afraid of a Met, or a Red Sock, or an Astro, or a Cardinal -- you get the idea. Plus when the team inevitably moves again in 10 years or so, whenever the next burg with ambitions builds them a stadium, they can retain the Keystone name as long as they stay in Pennsylvania. I won't vote, however, as I don't live in that area. I live near Wilmington, Del., home of the Blue Rocks -- another dull but historic name once carried by an old Phillies farm team.

[seth.]

Really? The Blue Rocks? I don't know the historical significance of that name, but it is possibly the funniest name I've ever heard of.
Upon a few more seconds of thought, it's deffinately the funniest name ever.